Once Perfect, Now Torn
by catastrophic-art
Summary: A tale of the turmoil of a certain zealot after Kakuzu vanishes. His thoughts and feelings, regrets and questions, his very soul are all bared.  Contest for hbkcross2 on deviatnART   Based on the song "Torn" by Natalie Imbruglia  Slight language.


**Title:** Once Perfect, Now Torn  
**Song:** Torn, Natalie Imbruglia

I imagined forever. I expected our love to be never ending, like all of the stories about true love, like all of the songs you hear about the perfect love. I remember every detail of every moment we had spent together. I loved being with him, irritating him while hunting for bounties, even manipulating him into getting us a hotel room so we could just lie in the same bed together and take pleasure in being in each other's company. I thought this would last.

Well, news flash. Life's a bitch.

I remember how we had met; not even a "hello" or anything, just tossed my new uniform in my face and told me to hurry up. At first, I thought this was the partnership formed in Hell. Jashin-sama had left me to dry on this deal. I guess it could have been my fault. Now that I think about it, maybe I could have avoided this whole catastrophe of a relationship in the first place. The only reason I even joined Akatsuki was to find someone I could literally spend an eternity with – I didn't quite expect to find it in more than one way. If I didn't ever meet Kakuzu, if I had continued the path of Jashin-sama, would I still be the miserable and pathetic excuse of a man I am now? Would my life be better if I had never met him? If I were given the opportunity to start my life over, would I still want to meet Kakuzu or just avoid the man altogether?

… I can honestly say I don't know if I can answer that.

All of the small things between us, all of the seemingly insignificant things that we did together… I remember them all. I think about them all the time. As I became closer to him, as the weeks, months, and years went by, I thought I could see a change in him. He wouldn't mind as much to pay for a hotel when it was raining. If I whined and griped enough, he would eventually break to my will and buy me some decent food instead of the cheap shit we always ate. I thought I could see a difference in his mannerisms towards me. When we were forced to share a bed (which was almost always), he didn't seem to care that much. It appeared as though it didn't bother him when - in the middle of the night – I would lightly press my back against his. He especially didn't mind as I curled up against his chest, using my fingers to lightly trace the stitches.

Yet no matter how hard you may try, nothing lasts forever.

I guess our relationship was a coiled spring, waiting for something to give way, letting all of the hateful words and horrible (yet mutual) feelings toward each other flow without any second thought. I used to always tell myself that I never wanted to see his fucking face ever again. He had hurt me and left me to bleed on the fucking floor. He had walked away from everything that we had, everything that _I _had thought was perfect – obviously, he had other ideas. Although, as the months alone dragged on, I began to wonder: why did I think that never seeing him again was in my best interest? I could tell that this was my co-dependency desperately crying out for help; the fact that I _may_ have wanted to see Kakuzu was unbelievable. But… What would I do if I ever saw him again?

Maybe I would kick, scratch, punch, and scream if I ever saw that man again, like he had done to me. Maybe I would beat him until he was unconscious, similar to his sudden outbursts of rage. Even if I could kill him a hundred times over, I would still be unsatisfied. The built up rage and resentment against him would all of the sudden burst out of me, taking over my very train of thought, controlling my actions and most likely causing more harm than it was worth. But, oh, it would feel _so good_… So worth it to get back at him for every fraction of wrath and agony that he had caused me. To be able to give him a firsthand experience to all of the misery he had caused throughout my life ever since he left – ever since he _arrived_ - or the way he ended everything like none of it mattered. I gave all that I had to be his, and only his forever. I wanted to be with him until the day I died (of course, being immortal, I expected much more than what I had received). I wanted for us to be able to walk this Earth without worry, hand in hand for all eternity.

I… I still do.

Even with all of the hatred, disgust, and revulsion… If I ever see him, I will hold him. I will cling to him, my arms wrapped around his neck, breathing in his unique scent that I have craved for this whole time he has been gone. I will tell him how I missed him, and how I don't want him to ever leave my side again. I will do it all.


End file.
